SkyMall magazine's many treasures

I've been doing a lot of flying lately, I've attempted the sudoku and crossword puzzles in the inflight magazine, and wanted to choke slam infant children to help stop their crying. However my most entertainment 30,000 ft in the air came from the 2009 Sky Mall Magazine: Holiday Edition. 

Now if your unfamiliar with Sky Mall, it is exactly what it sounds like, a mall in the sky. Imagine every unnecessary useless item you can find while browsing the mall, then imagine them conveniently in the seat pocket in front of you.

Top 15 Useless Products: through page 189 

15. Diamond Tipped Microdermabrasion System $249.99 - This could have been ranked higher if I had any idea what its purpose was.

14. Remote Controlled Tarantula or Black Widow Spider $29.99 - Now I'm assumed this was a children's toy, then I realized it's 1 inch high and 6 inches long, which makes them pretty lifelike. Therefore meaning this is not a kid's toy, it's an adult's toy to scare the shit out of their kids. 

13. G-DEFY $130.00 - Gravity defying sneakers. "Feel like your flying, guaranteed." This brilliant shoe company actually put springs in the sneakers, taking Nike Shox to the next level. *Not yet banned from athletic competition. 

12. Hairmax Lasercomb $495.00 - Treats hair loss and promotes hair growth. Call me naive, but I think this one actually works. For almost 500 dollars it's gotta be good, right? ....right?

11. The ONLY Portable Microwave Oven $299.95 - When your tailgating for a football game or a concert, what is missing? Hotpockets and popcorn of course. For only $299.99 you can be a member of the cool kids club and be able to make popcorn in a quick 6 minutes. The only difference between this and a normal microwave is there is a handle on top, because you still need a place to plug it in.

10. The ONLY Digital Camera Swim Mask $99.99, LED headlamp $54.95 - For those 3 or 4 times in your entire life when you felt the urge to take a picture underwater. 

9. The Marshmallow Shooter $24.99 - A pump-action gun that launches marshmallows. Basically a Nerf gun, which also contains edible projectiles. *More on Marshmallow tossing devices later.

8.Canon Residential Safe $849.99 - Having a safe in your house is a completely logical idea, especially to store large sums of money, drugs, guns, and family heirlooms. But I don't think it's an impulse buy while flying with the family to Disney World. 

7. Voice-Activated Life-Sized R2-D2 $189.99 - Haven't most Star Wars fans built their own from scratch like me? No?  

6. The Telekinetic Obstacle Course $99.95 - Use your brain with the help of a headband that Pinky and the Brain used to wear, to send mental commands to guide a ball through an obstacle course. 

5. Genuine Handmade Irish Shillelagh $49.95 - Beat the shit out of people the same way drunk Irishmen do.

4. Adult Footed PJ's $ depend on size - They sound like a great nostalgic idea, but honestly who is going to where this except for when watching A Christmas Story? Styles: red, lips, blue ducks, pink, camo, skulls, pink elephants, guitars, penguins, planes, baby blue, pink ducks, polka dots.

3. Automatic Marshmallow Bazooka $49.95 - An awesome upgrade of the Marshmallow Shooter (#9). It has a microprocessor and shoots 'mallows over 40 feet. I'm not even gonna kid myself, this is awesome. 

2. The Slanket $37.99 - After carful and extensive research I figure out that the Slanket actually precedes the Snuggie, however the Freedom Blanket originated the idea. Here's an interesting article comparing all the blankets with sleeves.

1. Truck Antlers $24.99 - My favorite pointless SkyMall product. I just don't see how a deer will ever be confused with a Ford F150.

Why I Love the Buffalo Bills

The Buffalo Bills and the New York Mets have a few similarities: they both have the color blue in the team uniform, they both play in the state of New York (contrary to popular belief Buffalo is not in Canada), and both teams routinely make me miserable. 

Miserable might be a bit of an understatement. They drive me insane. I've talked about my relationship with the Mets, but now that it's sweater season it's time for me to complain about how much the Bills effect my life. When I was 4-years -old, the Buffalo Bills started their reign of 4 consecutive AFC championships. Oh yea, and they lost 4 straight Super Bowls. I went as Jim Kelly for Halloween. I balled my eyes out after the Music City Miracle, and I have watched as Wade Phillips, Greg Williams, Mike Mularkey, and Dick Jauron run the once great franchise into one of the most consistently bad teams in the NFL. 

It is extremely trying times to be a Buffalo Bills fan, they haven't been to the playoffs in 10 years. As these futilely bad teams of 00's have come and go, the Bills have inducted five former Bills into the NFL Hall of Fame, former coach Marv Levy in '01, Jim Kelly in '02, Thurman Thomas in '07, and Bruce Smith and owner Ralph Wilson in '09. I can't begin to think how they feel about today's teams, but it might approach how pissed off and upset I get each year. 

At the beginning of every season I have hope, last year we started 4-0 and proceeded to win 3 of our next 12 games. This year we had that freakin' Patriots last minute comeback, after which I had a minor mental breakdown/episode which ended with me drunk dialing my mom, heartbroken, boarding on tears about the Buffalo Bills. I basically acted like my dog died, my gf broke up with me, I was fired from my job, I dropped my beer, and someone stole my pacifier all at the same time. 

This week I went to three different bars before I found one playing the Bills Browns game, in retrospect I wasted 3 hours and 10 dollars on beer. This bar was pretty big and had about 20+ tv's in its entirety, the Bills vs. Browns game was on a 19 inch TV right next to the bathroom, in the furthest corner of the bar. I was the only Bills fan there, but that's nothing new. I leaned on the Street Fighter II arcade game and watched as the Bills lost 6-3 against the Browns at home, it was the Browns first win in 10 games. Browns starting QB Derek Anderson was 2-17 passing for 23 yards with a passer rating of 15, and his team won the game. 

 Some may say I take sports a little too seriously, I'd like to say I'm just passionate. One day it's going to feel rewarding, one day the Bills will win, and one day the Mets will too. If those heathens from Boston can be rewarded with championships galore, why not the God loving citizens of Buffalo? I just don't want to be 85 when it happens. 

PGA Tour: Welcome to Jersey City

This weekend the PGA tour has made the trek to New Jersey, to Jersey City’s elite Liberty National Golf Club. The course is built on top of a landfill, cost $250 million to build, and $500 thousand to join.

It was unique idea to use land that absolutely no one wanted and create a golf course neighboring Liberty State Park, nestled behind the Statue of Liberty, and across the Hudson River from the New York City skyline.

Over the course of the week pros, sports writers, and golf analysts have berated the course.  Their complaints center around the courses lack of identity, Liberty National is a strange clash between a Florida TPC course and Scottish links course.

The criticism is understandable, although the course seems to holding up just fine, with only one player in the clubhouse under par so far on Friday’s round. It isn’t criticism about the course that pisses me off, because I didn’t design it, I don’t belong to it, and I’ve never played on it.

What gets under my skin is a certain snobby golf writer making backhanded comments about Jersey City. This is why CBS Sports senior writer, Steve Elling, should remove the lob wedge from his ass.

His most recent column about Liberty National goes beyond criticizing the course. Elling digs deep into his myriad of knowledge of US history, by quoting the inscription on the Statue of Liberty and American Revolution hero Patrick Henry.

He also demonstrates how creative of a writer he is by relating New Jersey to the Gambino crime family.  

“Lord only knows what's buried down there. The Gambino family owned a warehouse on the property that has since been removed, and though all vestiges of industrial activity are long gone, the greens are suspiciously lumpy. Any famous wise guys turn up missing lately?”

He hits just about every Jersey cliché in the article except gelled hair and spray tans.

I’m not surprised at his comments, I expected them, we can’t have a sporting event in New Jersey without mentions of oil refineries, pollution, trash, and the mob. I wish one-day close-minded sports writers such as Elling would grow up.

Liberty National Golf Club, may not be an east coast Pebble Beach, but it showcases American ingenuity. They took trash, made it treasure, and then marketed the shit out of it.   

UPDATE: Steve Elling's twitter offers some more classic insights. 

"It's raining so hard at Liberty National right now, the tips of Hoffa's shoes are now protruting from under the 18th green."

"It's raining so steadily at the Barclays, Lady Liberty just hiked up her skirt. Either that, or Camilo just flirted with her."

If you can't say something nice - -you're playing at Liberty National - CBS Sports

The B-List - Road House

TagLine: The dancing's over. Now it gets dirty.

Patrick Swayze, need i say more? In a totally badass role, Swayze plays Dalton, whose reputation as a tough bouncer brings him to the 

roughest bar in Missouri, Double Douce, where he kick's hick-'hind for 114 minutes. If you want to see the dude from Dirty Dancing and

his perfectly groomed mullet show the midwest his masculine side, via round-house kicks, check it out.

Any Luck Left?

This weekend the Mets honored the 40^th anniversary of the team that earned the term ‘amazin.’ In 1969 the Mets upset the heavily favored Baltimore Orioles to win their first World Series. That improbable summer the Mets manager, Gill Hodges, made a young group of ballplayers believe they could win and in doing so made Mets fans believe in miracles.

The Mets weren’t just celebrating the anniversary of that championship this past weekend; they were celebrating the true birth of their image, as lovable underdogs.

Today Mets fans are still rooting for those underdogs, but right now it’s hard to say they’re lovable.

Pedro Martinez and his jheri curl made their respective return to Queens on Sunday. Martinez didn’t have to wait for his trip to the mound for a warm reception from the Flushing faithful, that’s because Oliver Perez was nice enough grant the former Met ace a first inning at-bat.

I didn’t go into the game expecting the Mets to win, especially with the waste of talent Oliver Perez on the hill. I honestly considered the poetic irony of Pedro possibly pitching a no-hitter. Frankly, that would have surprised me less than Mike Vick doing a PETA campaign.

Ollie didn’t let me down. Perez gave up two first inning 3-run home runs, while throwing 46 pitches, and recording only two outs. Omar Minaya signed Perez to a 24 million dollar, two-year contract this past winter.  Call me crazy but 24 million dollars is a lot of coin for a pitcher whose fastball seems to be slowing down each start and has had location issues his entire career.

The Philadelphia offensive arsenal showed up, as usual, tallying 9 runs on 10 hits. It seemed a gift-wrapped win for Martinez, but it wasn’t.

Martinez looked a shell of his former self; his fastball topped out at 90 mph and found the Mets bats more than the catcher’s mitt.

The Mets team that is taking the field each humid August day may not have much talent, but for what it’s worth they give all of it. Angel Pagan, an ideal fourth outfielder but currently the starting center fielder, hit CitiField’s first inside-the-park home run in the bottom of the first inning. As an encore performance Pagan connected for another home run in the 3^rd.

The Mets are full of second chance players (Fernando Tatis), journeymen (Brian Schneider, Cory Sullivan), ‘never-have-beens’(Nelson Figueroa, Pat Misch), and ‘never-will-bes.’(Oliver Perez, Anderson Hernandez)

As frustrating as the season has been, with all the big-named high-priced talent nursing their knees, pinkies, hips, hamstrings, egos, and who knows what else; watching players fight for their futures is interestingly refreshing.

In San Diego or Kansas City this kind of effort in the face of such hardship might produce feature articles about the grit and determination of the less talented trying to live the MLB dream. In New York they are just second-rate players in a first-rate city, and next year, with the exception to Luis Castillo and Jeff Francour, they will mostly likely be gone.

The way Sunday’s game ended was a microcosm of the Mets season. The bottom of the 9^th inning started with an error on Ryan Howard, then an error on Eric Bruntlett, then an botched double play opportunity by Bruntlett; then Bruntlett turned an unassisted triple play the 14^th in MLB history only the second to end a game.

How rare is an unassisted triple play? Glad you asked. It happens less often than a perfect game.

After it happened you could feel the collective moan of Mets fans everywhere.

When you see something as infrequent as an unassisted triple play and your first thought is “typical,” you know there is something wrong with your team.

 Every sign of promise this season has been coupled with a sharp dagger to the kidney. May I present the case of ‘Castillo vs. the Pop-up.’

I’m a sports fan so by definition I’m pessimistic, but did the Mets use up all the magic and miracles in 1969 and 1986? I really hope not. 

http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2007/10/01/alg_mets-paper-bags.jpg

Undeclared

Along with Judd Apatow's near perfect Freaks and Geeks he created another forgotten TV show, Undeclared, featuring everyone from Seth 

Rogan to Jason Segel. This is one of my favorite clips from the show's one and only season, enjoy.

Never Graduate

One of the things fathers take pride in when their kids go away to school is packing the car. They might act like it’s a pain in the ass, but they truly enjoy the entire process. It’s an art form. Watching my dad master the trunk of our ’98 maxima is like watching a nerd dominate Tetris. Somehow that heap of debris that collects on my living room table, floor, and chairs each August transforms into a neat rectangle in the back of the car.

 Give Stan your DVD’s, TV’s, crates, mini fridges, toaster ovens, bicycles, posters, footballs, vacuums, hats, computers, fans, food processors, pool tables, futons, even a washer and dryer, and I guarantee he can fit it in an orderly fashion. I’d be willing to bet he could neatly squeeze everything into the basket of a little girl's tricycle. 

 As much as I loved watching my dad struggle try to figure out how hook the bike rack on the trunk and back bumper, it’s bittersweet to have the end of August approaching and nothing to look forward to.  This September I’m not reuniting with my closest friends,  I have no million pointless “so how was your summer?” questions to answer, no syllabus week to sleepwalk through, no summer reading to stress over*, and no brand new townhouse to destroy.

 The anxiety I had for almost 20 years about going back to school is replaced by an anxiety of having nothing to anxious about.

 My family is now in route to Virginia Tech to help my younger brother move in for his freshman year. I can imagine what’s running through his head right now,  “Jesus, will mom ever stop talking about laundry” “God, I hope my brother doesn’t try and visit” “Damn, dad can really pack a car nicely” “I swear if I hear mom sing Jason Mraz and Coldplay one more time I’ll drown myself in a restroom toilet.”

 The things I would do to be in his flip-flops right now I can't begin to imagine. I crave that excited uncertainty of what life in a 15x10 room is like. Instead of the uncertainty of how I’m going to pay back that conniving bitch Sallie Mae the hundred grand she lent me.

 Everyone constantly reminds college students how fast it goes by, and none of them ever listen, I sure as hell didn’t. If someone ever told me I’d end up missing exam week when I was freshman I’d believe it when the Buffalo Bills stopped sucking. Sadly the Bills are as good at winning as Brett Favre is at retiring.

 If your going back to school in these next couple weeks, or going to college for the first time, do everything you can to have the best four years possible, and if feasible five or six.

 For now I’m going to get back to watching a spray tanned Al Borland, of Home Improvement and Family Feud fame, try to sell me a Kodak printer, apparently I can save $100 on ink each year.

 

*I just found Galileo’s Daughter sitting in my bookcase, definitely not going to miss summer reading.

http://www.hollywoodteenmovies.com/AnimalHouseBigPic.jpg

Top 10 Baseball Fights

How stereotypical is the Chan Ho Park fight?

Brett Favre stays steadfast in his commitment to retire

This Brett Favre saga of the last three years makes me want to vomit. Why can't great athletes learn to walk away from the game. Favre has absolutely nothing left to prove, his plaque in Canton has already been made, he's won three MVP's, a Super Bowl, and deserves acting distinction for his work in There's Something about Mary and Wrangler jeans commercials. 

I don't care about Brett Favre coming back to play this season, what I do care about is Favre holding a press conference every 48 hours to have a man-cry with the media. 

Also I'm starting to wonder if the FBI helped ESPN gain access to a Favre phone tap because they seem to know everything the ageless wonder has been doing for the last two years.

ESPN BREAKING NEWS: Favre reads his playbook while dropping heat in the Vikings locker room. 

I loved Brett Favre, his southern charm, 'awe-shucks' demeanor, potato gun of a right arm, and legendary stories of his boozehound past, earned him a warm place in my heart. 

He's not going to quit until he throws for 600 yards and 8 touchdowns against the Green Bay Packers. He's not going to quit until breaks the collective hearts of everyone in the frozen tundra. He's not going to quit before he makes Packers management eat their words. 

He's not going to quit, and I just really wish he would.

http://www.wearethepostmen.com/wp-content/uploads//2008/03/02_favre_draft_day_1.jpg

THE METS SCORED!!!!!!

Luis Castillo breaks a 23-inning Met scoreless drought with a 2-out single in the second inning to tie the LA Dodgers 1-1. 

Wow, I'm celebrating a Luis Castillo RBI.

http://www.homeruncards.com/imagesrc/luis-castillo.jpg

David Wright: 'We stink right now'

The Mets are going through one of their worst stretches in recent memory, from the injuries to the absolutely unwatchable offense (scoreless in last 22 innings), it seems only fitting Met fans are reminded of past great Met teams. 

On the cover of this week's Sports Illustrated, the 10th 'Where are they now?' edition, features the '69 Miracle Mets with Nolan Ryan and Tom Seaver on the cover.  

That team was might have been the best underdog franchise to win a professional championship, and is most likely the source of when many people from NYC and North Jersey area became Metropolitan fans.

Back to reality.

New York Daily News:

"I just think we stink right now, we're just not very good. When you don't pitch, you don't hit, you don't play defense, you're not going to win very many games. We're not playing very good baseball. ... I don't think anybody's having very much fun right now." - David Wright

picture from New York Daily News

UPDATE: J.A. Adande says respect your elders.

Today during the 6 p.m. Sportscenter the non-PTI guys Dan LeBatard and J.A. Adande discussed what is more embarrassing LeBron getting dunked on OR have the tape of your getting dunked on confiscated?

Adande gives a lot of credit to LeBron, citing his maturity, for having the 'smarts' to have the tape confiscated. J.A. then goes on to say that in this day and age no one remembers the written word. 

Excuse me J.A. but how exactly do you make a living? Oh yeah, your a god damn journalist.

To further his argument he goes on to state that no college sophomore should be dunking on the almighty LeBron James. Adande's tone suggests that it would be sacrilegious for for a 20-year-old college student to dunk on the reigning NBA MVP King James (who's 24 years old btw), and that only Kobe Bryant-caliber players should be allowed to do that. 

Please, get off LeBron's dick J.A.

In case your not sure J.A. Adande has a slight bias, check out this gem:

J.A. Adande: Lebron doesn't need New York to shine brighly

'Bron 'Bron Dunked On

This week at the LeBron James Skills Academy there was a bit of role reversal, Mr. James was a witness of himself getting posterized.

Xavier University's Jordan Crawford knocked the crown off LeBron's arrogant unsportsmanlike dome, en-route to a two-handed slam that is destined to become a YouTube sensation, right?

Wrong.

Rumors are that James made Nike confiscate tapes from the lucky cameramen that captured LeBron's embarrassment in their lenses.

 CBSSports.com's Gary Parrish has the story:

Turns out, there were at least two cameras rolling Monday night when Crawford dunked on James during a pick-up game here at the LeBron James Skills Academy. It was a two-handed jam, the kind that would've circulated quickly on YouTube. But Nike officials eliminated that possibility shortly after the dunk happened by allegedly confiscating tapes from various cameramen.

Freelance photographer Ryan Miller was one of the cameramen shooting the game.

He told CBSSports.com that Nike Basketball Senior Director Lynn Merritt took his tape.

"He just said, 'We have to take your tape,'" Miller said. "They took it from other guys, too."

Worth noting is that there is no policy against filming at the LeBron James Skills Academy, and Miller said he had been filming all day without incident. Nobody ever told him to stop. Nobody ever said there was a problem ... until after Crawford dunked on James.

"LeBron called Lynn over and told him something," Miller said. "That's how I knew his name was Lynn. LeBron said, 'Hey, Lynn. Come here.'"

Minutes later, Miller said Merritt demanded his tape.

"There's nothing I can think of besides LeBron just not wanting it online," Miller said. "It's a good story to tell people, I guess. But then again, I'm kind of pissed. I lost my tape."

This is another perfect example of the hype/marketing machine that is LeBron James. It was another selfish and dumb act to add to the young king's portfolio. James is a grown man; he needs to learn when to show some humility and let a kid like Crawford have his moment.

Which reminds me of this quote after the Eastern Conference Finals: 

"If somebody beats you up, you're not going to congratulate them. That doesn't make sense to me. I'm a competitor. That's what I do. It doesn't make sense for me to go over and shake somebody's hand."

The greats look foolish sometimes, it shows that they are human, and that is what fans relate to, not Muppet characters and weird Sprite commercials.

I'm still waiting for LeBron to turn the corner, but for now he's still a kid who's never paid his dues while rockin' a free Wes Unseld jersey.

Shaq Fu's Tour de Lance

 So I'm watching PTI and one of the topics of conversation was about Shaq challenging Lance Armstrong to a bike race. This is just another example of Shaq's love for the ridiculous, and egocentric. 

 Here is a step-by-step account of how Mr. O'Neal (aka the Diesel, Shaq Fu, The Big Aristotle, The Big Daddy, Superman, The Big Agave, The Big Cactus, The Big Shaqtus, The Big Galactus, Wilt Chamerneezy, The Big Baryshnikov, The Real Deal, Dr. Shaq, and Shaqovic) laid down the gauntlet. 

Step one - Diesel Challenges: “O lance armstrong I challenge you on a time trail anytime anywere, I dnt smell fear do I, smmmmm smmmmmm dats the sniffn sound

7:27 PM Jun 19th from TwitterBerry"

Step two- Livestrong Responds: "@THE_REAL_SHAQ It's on. Oct 25 - Austin, TX. Let's see u take on my backyard. 20 miles @ LIVESTRONG Challenge. Leave training wheels @ home.

8:31 PM Jun 19th from UberTwitter

Step three:  Michael Wilbon pledges for Shaq's amazing athletic ability by nostalgically recalling a beachfront 100 yard race between himself and the Big Aristotle. He explained that he was beating The Big Cactus until the last twenty yards when Dr. Shaq turned on the thrusters and kicked sand in Mr. Wilbon's face. 

 So beating Mike Wilbon a middle-aged sports writer in a 100-yard dash on the beach means you can beat Lance Armstrong, arguably the greatest cyclist ever, in a bike race? 

You could give Shaq a motorcycle and Lance a bike while wearing ice skates and I'd still pick Lance. 

However I truly hope this race is televised, as an ESPY skit.

special thanks to twitter, wikipedia, and picture from http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/content/110576.jpg 

Rubio continued...

Rubio is the most creative guard I've ever seen handle a basketball from the Youtube generation. He' s a long 6'4 point guard that would be spectacular in an open court, up and down offense. He has Steve Nash's finishing ability, Jason Kidd's adeptness at throwing the lob, and Pistol Pete's flair. Rubio is long, crafty, and absolute magic with the ball in his hands. I missed the draft on Thursday so I read Bill Simmons's Draft Diary and my favorite part was the following:

5:06: Exchange of the night so far …

Jones: "For the fans that haven't seen you play, which NBA player do you think you play like?"

Rubio: "I'm Ricky Rubio, I'm not like anyone else."

Awesome use of the 3rd person. Donnie Walsh are you listening? Make this kid a Knick. 

Ricky Rubio is a guaranteed NBA star

NHL Draft: Kyle Palmieri

Congrats to Kyle Palmieri, former hockey star at St. Peter's Prep in Jersey City. Palmieri was chosen with the 26th pick in the NHL draft by the Anaheim Mighty Ducks.

As a sophomore at St. Peter's he led the Marauders to the NJ state championship game and was named first team all-state by the Star Ledger. 

For the past two years he has been starring for the USA U-18 developmental team in Ann Arbor, MI. 

Palmieri will be attending Notre Dame next year. 

Good Luck at ND and in the NHL.

Subway Series: Queens Version

Tonight was the first Subway Series game at CitiField in Queens, and following the hour rain delay the injury depleted Mets looked terrible. 

We were treated to watching three errors (David 'Gold Glove winner' Wright, Alex 'the veteran' Cora, and Nick 'I'm never going to be a everyday starter' Evans) in the top of the 2nd inning. 

Today's lineup only featured 2 everyday starters: David Wright, who can't carry the entire team's offensive load on his back, and Luis Castillo who has been getting standing ovations for every caught popup for the past 12 games.  

Brett Gardner went 5-6 tonight for the Yanks, missing the cycle by a double. I just love watching the Mets give up 5 hits including a HR and a triple to a pesky spark plug leadoff hitter. He's a non-Hawaiian Shane Victorino. 

Ughh... It was nice to see Patrick Misch lower his ERA from 8.31 to 6.35, then I realized I have no freakin' clue who Misch is. 

(UPDATE: Misch is a 27-year-old lefty from Western Michigan. According to his ESPN profile his current 2009 salary is 0$. It is nice to see that people are starting to pity the Mets so much we're getting pro bono bullpen help.)

The crafty veteran Elmer Dessens had a stellar night as well: 1.1 innings pitched, 3 runs on 3 hits, including 2 HRs and a walk. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he'll be designated for assignment before the All-Star break. 

The ageless Gary Sheffield was the lone bright spot for the Mets tonight, hitting his team-leading 9th home run off Yankees starter CC Sabathia, who was brilliant tonight going 7 innings and giving up only 3 hits. The Mets are currently one of only two MLB teams without a player with 10 or more HRs; the other being the Atlanta Braves. 

Oh yea, I almost forgot Mets lost 9-1.

Tomorrow's pitching duel features A.J. Burnett for the Yankees and the current #3 starter for the Metropolitans Tim Redding (hahahahahaha) 

picture from www.sportsautosttm.com/ patrickmisch.JPG

Been a While

Sorry for the delay here's a song I've been listening to.... new posts coming tomorrow. I promise they will be remotely tolerable. 

An Ode to Tom Glavine

Yesterday Altlanta Braves legend, Tom Glavine, was released. Glavine is a 300 game winner, one of only 23 in baseball history. He made a name for himself during the mid-90s with the Braves dynasty when their starting rotation included 3 future Hall of Famers (Greg Maddox, John Smoltz, and Glavine). 

The part of his career that everyone will forget in twenty years will be his awful, heartless stint with the New York Metropolitans. I'll never forget his first and last starts as a New York Met. He came in the same way he went out.

 He left Atlanta after a 18-11 season where he posted a 2.96 ERA. Mets fans hoped they found a villain turned hero. What they did find was a former Cy Young winner with diminishing skills who's heart was never in New York. 

In his first game as a Met, the home opener in 2003, Glavine lasted 3.2 innings and gave up 8 hits, 4 walks, and 5 earned runs. The Mets lost the home opener to the Cubs 15-2, a grand opening for the big off-season signing. 

During his five years as a Met he had one nice moment, he won his 300th game as a Met at Wrigley Field in Chicago. Other than that I cannot remember any poignant moments during his career in Flushing Meadows. 

Not many people remember his first start as a Met, but most sure do remember the last. 

Two years ago with the Mets needing one win to force a playoff the the Philadelphia Phillies, on the last day of the regular season, the Mets sent Glavine to the hill and Shea Stadium was shaking at the foundation. 

Tommy Boy lasted 0.1 innings, he gave up 7 earned runs on 5 hits en route to a 8-1 Mets loss, completing the worst end of season collapse in baseball history. 

Bad starts happen to everyone, and I wouldn't be as bitter as I am today if it weren't for Glavine's demeanor while giving his post game comments. Glavine was nonchalant, he seemed like he just wanted to head back to Atlanta, he never showed me he cared. 

There is nothing worse than a player that doesn't connect with his fans. I always knew it was a bad idea to have an Atlanta Brave as a Mets ace. 

If the Mets won that game two years ago, they wouldn't be known as choke artists and maybe September wouldn't be my least favorite month anymore. 

Cheers to you Tom Glavine. 

     

Great TV Show Openings

Oh Tom Selleck, where have you gone?

Lebron James

I want to start by saying Lebron James is the the most physically gifted athlete I've ever seen and will become the best basketball player of our generation. 

Lebron is more obnoxious by the minute to me. I am the only person I know that truly dislikes Lebron James. He is too arrogant, he treats the city of Cleveland like shit, dangling ultimatums about needing better players or he will jump ship to NYC. He wore a Yankees fitted hat to a Indians vs. Yankees playoff game, IN CLEVELAND! Then he claims to the media he has been a Yankees fan his whole life. 'Cough bullshit cough'. 

He has been treated like a God ever since he was a sophomore in high school and frankly I'm sick of it. I'm sick of everyone saying "look how much fun he's having out there." If I was getting paid trillions of dollars to play a damn game that I love I'd be having an exceptionally good time out there too. Lebron James is the reason high school basketball games are all over ESPN now. There is no more innocence in the post-eight grade sports world. 

This past Saturday Lebron's Cleveland Cavaliers lost in the Eastern Conference Finals to the Orlando Magic. After being the best team in the NBA this season the Cavs lost in 6 games to the Magic and were thoroughly manhandled. When game 6 ended "Mr. Wonderful" decided that a "winner" and "competitor" like himself has no need to shake the other team's hands. 

His exact words : "It's hard for me to congratulate somebody after you just lose to them," he said. "I'm a winner. It's not being a poor sport or anything like that. If somebody beats you up, you're not going to congratulate them. That doesn't make sense to me. I'm a competitor. That's what I do. It doesn't make sense for me to go over and shake somebody's hand."

Your wrong Lebron that is the definition of being a poor sport. Be a man. If Gunner Stahl can do it in Mighty Ducks II, so can you. 

Guido Beach

Best Line: 

Dino: The worst luck I ever had? I blew my knee out, tore my ACL, fractured my thigh, and I refused to go to the doctors. So my boys got me an entire jar of pain killers and I just went clubbing every night in a splint. I was like one leg in the club. Dude it was crazy.

Interviewer: Did you get laid that trip?

Dino: Did I get laid that trip? I had two threesomes in one week dude.

The Belmar Pirate

Belmar is known for many things: being a staple of the Jersey Shore, a magnet for Guidos and Guidettes, empty bottles of hair products in the streets, overpriced pizza, and on this particular Friday the beginnings of a terrifying new breed - - - the Guido Pirate. 

You might be wondering what being a Guido Pirate entails, other than stealing all the booty on the Belmar beach. No where other than in the fist pumping capitol of America will you find a six-feet-tall chubby teenage italian with a pony tail of black hair hanging to his lower back. Not convinced with the pirate comparison yet? Well, he also had two hooped earrings, and spoke in a vernacular that featured the word 'fuck' every 4 to 7 words, while the whole time he had Verne Troyer's boom box on his chest. Oh yea, and the elastic on his boxers was covered with the word 'greed' (don't ask me why my girlfriend's eyes were gravitating to that general area).  

These are the things that make the Jersey Shore great and why we keep coming back for more. It's not only for the sun, sand, and ocean; it's for these jambronies that continue to make us laugh. Thank you Guido pirate.  

Welcome

Welcome to my Land of Pleasant Living (aka unemployment). My name is Matt Kiebus and I'm a recent graduate of Loyola College in MD. I'm now a proud owner a piece of paper declaring myself pretty smart in the field of Communications. Over the past three weeks since graduation I've been told by parents, uncles, neighbors, high school teachers, and sadly even friends that it's time for me to join this fabled 'real world', a place where all your miseries come true. 

Well this blog's sole purpose is to see how long someone can follow the American Dream of devoting all their time to their passions. In my case NY Mets, Matt Christopher children's sports novels, print newspapers especially the Star-Ledger and NY Times, sports sections, traveling (whether by car, train, bike, steamship, spaceship, hot air-balloon, or just walking), Rolling Stone, Arizona Wildcats, Harry Potter Books, a Tribe Called Quest, Spin, arguing for the sake of arguing, Seinfeld, Hall & Oates, writing in script, Most trilogies (Star Wars, Mighty Ducks, Indiana Jones, and the Godfather), pin collections, nostalgia, watches, outdoor basketball, sneakers, funny arrogance, Buffalo Bills, drinking (casually, you know just to get a buzz), Bruce Springsteen, mustaches, New Jersey and so much more that I can't remember.

If any of these interest you I hope you stop by every once in a while, if you truly enjoy your 9-5 job with excellent benefits this isn't for you.