SkyMall magazine's many treasures

I've been doing a lot of flying lately, I've attempted the sudoku and crossword puzzles in the inflight magazine, and wanted to choke slam infant children to help stop their crying. However my most entertainment 30,000 ft in the air came from the 2009 Sky Mall Magazine: Holiday Edition. 

Now if your unfamiliar with Sky Mall, it is exactly what it sounds like, a mall in the sky. Imagine every unnecessary useless item you can find while browsing the mall, then imagine them conveniently in the seat pocket in front of you.

Top 15 Useless Products: through page 189 

15. Diamond Tipped Microdermabrasion System $249.99 - This could have been ranked higher if I had any idea what its purpose was.

14. Remote Controlled Tarantula or Black Widow Spider $29.99 - Now I'm assumed this was a children's toy, then I realized it's 1 inch high and 6 inches long, which makes them pretty lifelike. Therefore meaning this is not a kid's toy, it's an adult's toy to scare the shit out of their kids. 

13. G-DEFY $130.00 - Gravity defying sneakers. "Feel like your flying, guaranteed." This brilliant shoe company actually put springs in the sneakers, taking Nike Shox to the next level. *Not yet banned from athletic competition. 

12. Hairmax Lasercomb $495.00 - Treats hair loss and promotes hair growth. Call me naive, but I think this one actually works. For almost 500 dollars it's gotta be good, right? ....right?

11. The ONLY Portable Microwave Oven $299.95 - When your tailgating for a football game or a concert, what is missing? Hotpockets and popcorn of course. For only $299.99 you can be a member of the cool kids club and be able to make popcorn in a quick 6 minutes. The only difference between this and a normal microwave is there is a handle on top, because you still need a place to plug it in.

10. The ONLY Digital Camera Swim Mask $99.99, LED headlamp $54.95 - For those 3 or 4 times in your entire life when you felt the urge to take a picture underwater. 

9. The Marshmallow Shooter $24.99 - A pump-action gun that launches marshmallows. Basically a Nerf gun, which also contains edible projectiles. *More on Marshmallow tossing devices later.

8.Canon Residential Safe $849.99 - Having a safe in your house is a completely logical idea, especially to store large sums of money, drugs, guns, and family heirlooms. But I don't think it's an impulse buy while flying with the family to Disney World. 

7. Voice-Activated Life-Sized R2-D2 $189.99 - Haven't most Star Wars fans built their own from scratch like me? No?  

6. The Telekinetic Obstacle Course $99.95 - Use your brain with the help of a headband that Pinky and the Brain used to wear, to send mental commands to guide a ball through an obstacle course. 

5. Genuine Handmade Irish Shillelagh $49.95 - Beat the shit out of people the same way drunk Irishmen do.

4. Adult Footed PJ's $ depend on size - They sound like a great nostalgic idea, but honestly who is going to where this except for when watching A Christmas Story? Styles: red, lips, blue ducks, pink, camo, skulls, pink elephants, guitars, penguins, planes, baby blue, pink ducks, polka dots.

3. Automatic Marshmallow Bazooka $49.95 - An awesome upgrade of the Marshmallow Shooter (#9). It has a microprocessor and shoots 'mallows over 40 feet. I'm not even gonna kid myself, this is awesome. 

2. The Slanket $37.99 - After carful and extensive research I figure out that the Slanket actually precedes the Snuggie, however the Freedom Blanket originated the idea. Here's an interesting article comparing all the blankets with sleeves.

1. Truck Antlers $24.99 - My favorite pointless SkyMall product. I just don't see how a deer will ever be confused with a Ford F150.

Why I Love the Buffalo Bills

The Buffalo Bills and the New York Mets have a few similarities: they both have the color blue in the team uniform, they both play in the state of New York (contrary to popular belief Buffalo is not in Canada), and both teams routinely make me miserable. 

Miserable might be a bit of an understatement. They drive me insane. I've talked about my relationship with the Mets, but now that it's sweater season it's time for me to complain about how much the Bills effect my life. When I was 4-years -old, the Buffalo Bills started their reign of 4 consecutive AFC championships. Oh yea, and they lost 4 straight Super Bowls. I went as Jim Kelly for Halloween. I balled my eyes out after the Music City Miracle, and I have watched as Wade Phillips, Greg Williams, Mike Mularkey, and Dick Jauron run the once great franchise into one of the most consistently bad teams in the NFL. 

It is extremely trying times to be a Buffalo Bills fan, they haven't been to the playoffs in 10 years. As these futilely bad teams of 00's have come and go, the Bills have inducted five former Bills into the NFL Hall of Fame, former coach Marv Levy in '01, Jim Kelly in '02, Thurman Thomas in '07, and Bruce Smith and owner Ralph Wilson in '09. I can't begin to think how they feel about today's teams, but it might approach how pissed off and upset I get each year. 

At the beginning of every season I have hope, last year we started 4-0 and proceeded to win 3 of our next 12 games. This year we had that freakin' Patriots last minute comeback, after which I had a minor mental breakdown/episode which ended with me drunk dialing my mom, heartbroken, boarding on tears about the Buffalo Bills. I basically acted like my dog died, my gf broke up with me, I was fired from my job, I dropped my beer, and someone stole my pacifier all at the same time. 

This week I went to three different bars before I found one playing the Bills Browns game, in retrospect I wasted 3 hours and 10 dollars on beer. This bar was pretty big and had about 20+ tv's in its entirety, the Bills vs. Browns game was on a 19 inch TV right next to the bathroom, in the furthest corner of the bar. I was the only Bills fan there, but that's nothing new. I leaned on the Street Fighter II arcade game and watched as the Bills lost 6-3 against the Browns at home, it was the Browns first win in 10 games. Browns starting QB Derek Anderson was 2-17 passing for 23 yards with a passer rating of 15, and his team won the game. 

 Some may say I take sports a little too seriously, I'd like to say I'm just passionate. One day it's going to feel rewarding, one day the Bills will win, and one day the Mets will too. If those heathens from Boston can be rewarded with championships galore, why not the God loving citizens of Buffalo? I just don't want to be 85 when it happens.